The Empty Bucket List

Everyone has been talking for a while now about their Bucket List and what they want to do before they die.  A movie with the same title evidently spurred this little bout of self-reflection?

Never one to follow trends, mostly because I would look completely ridiculous in skinny jeans since the only part of me that could be classified as skinny is my fingers and you can’t wear jeans on your hands, I have decided to create The Empty Bucket List:  Things I Have No Intention of Doing in This Lifetime.

To wit:

  1. Climb Mt. Everest.  I have the utmost respect for hard-core climbers and sherpas and yaks who can carry triple their weight using 1/3 the oxygen that I require just to move from my iMac to the refrigerator, but it’s totally not for me.
  2. Swim with dolphins.  You know why?  Being underwater is very disconcerting for me.  I am a good swimmer and can hold my own, but being out in the ocean where stuff can come at you from any angle freaks me out.  On land, I know that pretty much if something’s after me it will be in front of me, behind me, beside me, or above me.  Stuff doesn’t come at you from below.   IN THE OCEAN IT CAN, and that right there  is my tipping point.  So, no deep sea diving and consorting with finned animals for me.
  3. Try sushi.  Why?  Raw fish wrapped in seaweed.  There is nothing appealing to me about either of those things.
  4. Get a law degree.  I’ve been told I can argue with the best of them but having worked with lawyers for ten years, I have to say nothankyouverymuch to that one.  It would be awesome to be able to say, a la Harvey Levin, “I’m a law-yuh!” but it’s not in the cards for me.
  5. Go to Mardi Gras.  I have no religious affiliation with the celebration (read: I am not Catholic) and also?  I like drunks to be way far away from me if I’m out walking on a street late at night.  Beads don’t do it for me either.  Strike three, that’s out.
  6. Refuse to let my children eat sugared cereal.  My house, my rules.  Mother.
  7. Own a minivan.  You can talk to me all day long about how convenient those sliding doors are, how much room there is, how comfortable all the kids will be, how they can be reconfigured to seat the entire marching band comfortably, but you will be wasting your time.  I can sum up what is wrong with those vehicles in one word:  Minivan.
  8. Skydive.  Not for the reason you think…it’s more to do with the “stuff coming at you from any angle” issue I have.  Cannot hang with that feeling, I need for my feet to be on the ground.
  9. Spend more than $200 on a purse.  The bag I carry now is the one my younger son bought for me two Christmases ago, because my husband talked him out of the doorknob he’d picked out.  It’s black and the inside is bright pink and it came from Target and I love it.
  10. Lose the last ten pounds.  Obviously.

So there you have it, The Empty Bucket List.  I can’t wait to not get started on it!!



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